Sorry I've been hiding. Hiding from myself, the world, the tumour.
All of it.
I didn't really want to. I thought I was doing ok. But suddenly, from out of nowhere came a brick wall (of emotion I guess) and I think I must have walked into it. Funny, cause ever since the operation on my brain I had a purpose. To recover, improve and get better.
Well I did that. I conquered all of it.
But I still have a tumour in my head.
I've just started reading John Kirwan's book All Blacks Don't Cry. All Blacks may not, but real men and woman certainly do. Mental health issues have been more topical and openly discussed here in New Zealand in recent years. Which is a great thing.
I think it is still relatively "taboo" and seen as a weakness by many.
Some people refer to their mental health issues as demons, black dogs and many other metaphors. For me, it has felt like a cloud or blanket. A fog even. Sometimes I felt oddly safe cowering underneath and then there were days when I was being smothered and couldn't breathe. I now add to my 'list of empathy'; brain tumour patients, stroke victims and depression sufferers.
So that's why I hid.
I now have got some more support and an expert help to listen and hear me out. I can scream, rant and rave to them without the fear of hurting them. They tell me it's ok to feel all of these things. In today's session they asked me what daily tasks made me happy before 'the diagnosis'.
I couldn't remember.
.........and then it came back to me.
I like contributing. To others' lives, childrens' lives, the community. I really miss that.
I was then reminded that sharing my ideas, thoughts and love with others IS contributing.
Recently people have made lovely comments at how sharing these things gives them hope, love and inspiration. I know I've got to put a lot of energy into me right now, but just maybe I can continue to inspire. Maybe I can even inspire myself.
So. I've been to the bottom. Thankfully, the only way from here onwards is up again. I'm walking the tightrope, climbing the skinny ladder and balancing the slippery beam.
Thanks for your blogs. Jeepers I love watching your families galavanting about each weekend, reminding me of what life is meant to be about.
So here I am. The good, bad and the gorgeous.
I really want to write again.
Thank you for reading. Thanks for your comments. You inspire me too.